Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
