ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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