Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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