I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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