dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh god it's open bar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
