How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
