Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
