dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
