sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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