thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
