There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
