Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
