i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
