I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
