I heard we made out
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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