my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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