Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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