I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This baby is an asshole
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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