Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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