a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
