Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
