i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
