Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
