Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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