I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
