my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am midnight drunk by noon
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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