I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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