i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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