Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
