Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
