Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
