Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
