I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
