Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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