Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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