Ambien. No doubt about it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
