I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I licked your asshole in confidence.