I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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