video games are the ultimate cock blocker
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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