Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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