Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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