If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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