Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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