so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
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We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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