matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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