the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
