I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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