11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
