I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
