Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
