Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
