Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
