the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
