I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're a waste of cheezeits
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
