WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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